my night went downhill once I lost my bikershorts. EAWSSSSYY ACCESS
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
The guy in front of me in Sociology is definitely working on my farm in farmville. Never met him before. Do I thank him?
He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
It's becoming clear to me that I am not sugar baby material. I don't think I could handle old balls long term.
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
Randomize
