he pointed at my clit and asked with a confused face, 'whats this thingy??"
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
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