i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
how hairy? two words: wookie tits
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
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