I have a feeling that after last night, i'm not just going to hell. i'm going to hell on a full scholarship. free admission bitches
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
Just opened my sisters laptop to "cute places to lose my virginity" googled last
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
Randomize
