So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
I want your attention. I want your attention in the form of your penis inside my vagina.
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
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