Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
ra ra ra ah ah
wtf?
sexting lady gaga style
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
Funny favor to ask you... can you ask James to ask Chris if he came in me ? Trying to assess whether or not I need plan B.
please visit steve this weekend, he is getting mature and responsible and shit which scares me.
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
Randomize
