2 nights ago she wants to see other people, tonight she wants to have a threesome. The GOOD kind of threesome. So... win?
i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
If i could tip my vagina, i would.
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
Sincerely would love to tap that, on a mountain with the wind blowing on your pubes .
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
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