Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
i have to get rid of the hedgehog.
Does it come with a cage?
yes. and food and toys.
i'll trade you an 8th for it
deal.
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
Randomize
