How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
This is kind of a weird question but were you the other girl Ben asked to do a group sex thing with?
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
Randomize
