it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
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