OH MY GOD! I just remembered how we ended our bar time last night: picking up and drinking random drinks that ppl had left. wtf is wrong with us?! that's so ghetto!
No. You're kidding.
I am not. I wish I were. I speak the truth.
Joe is yelling at the trees again.
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
You can't just say things like "great depression theme party" and then not respond.
it got awkward when the only couple not hooking up was just watching..
No i'm not calming down the girl at white castle did not need to see the picture of my dick on your phone.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
