After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
Hey if there is a better reason to go drink then "I've been fucking robbed!" I have yet to hear one. Also, I've been fucking robbed.
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
Randomize
