I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
Randomize
