I was rubbing the clit just like wikipedia told me to.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
party at the soccer house. crumbs in my sexy panties. can't. put. pieces. together.
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
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