Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
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