Eww. Jon Gosselin got both his ears pierced.
He looks like a bad one night stand.
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
Randomize
