I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
All we had was a keg so we played edward nalgene-hands
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
Ethically, this is the worst thing I've ever done. Financially, however...
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
Randomize
