I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
he was dropping me off and i told him i had to go to the bathroom and i leaned into kiss him and he asked how i went to the bathroom with a tampon up there... he was amazed that their was a third hole...and wanted me to show him where it was
I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
every single one of us blacked out. we woke up the next morning and it was like the night never happened. IT'S STILL A MYSTERY
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
Then you started screaming that this was the first time you did e and that you had a 4.8 gpa, that was right before you almost suffocated between that one girl's tits.
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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