There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
got some info she was last seen with some guy wearing goggles
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
Randomize
