When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
I would have added her but her profile pic was piece of pie
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
You're probably reading this when you wake up from your "nap" in the front yard. Maybe next week you should go to class, and not start Thirsty Thursday at 9:30 in the morning.
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
What's great about college is that i can eat chocolate cereal for every meal and call it a money saving technique.
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
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