im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
UPDATE: In a passionate fit of self love, I brought myself to orgasm under the moon on my 7th floor balcony, ejaculating between the rungs towards the ground.
Unfortunately, I did not realize that most of it would end up on the balcony below mine.
At least you don't cum in color.
he suggested we do it doggy style cuz it was his dead dogs birthday...i had to do it
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
Randomize
