Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
Just for once I'd like my first interaction with a new GP to not be an obvious sex injury.
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
Randomize