dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
Plus you know he's just 2 semesters and 4 glasses of wine away from "experimenting" with some French major
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
White girls? They're everywhere. In packs. Drunk white girl packs.
REMEBER. We are young, horny, and poor. If someone wants to give us alcohol... TAKE. IT.
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
Randomize
