non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
Things are very odd on my 29th hour of being awake. Thought there was a bird in my lecture hall and it was just a girl putting up her hair. What even
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
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