Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
I'd hate to be 100% hetero. Pretty sure they have less orgies
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
Randomize
