There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar
That accounts for only three of the penises
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
Randomize
