Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
I applaud your efforts, but I have to say it was the bear we encountered that ultimately shut down the entire operation
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
