so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
well, atleast the road to alcoholism is fun.
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
Randomize
