I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
I think I have vodka in my lungs
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
was I atleast graceful when I feel down that flight of stairs and broke my hand?
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
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