I'm so fucking centered right now
I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
It's not that I'm in love with her, so much as I would love to be her lesbian experience.
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
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