im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
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Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
Randomize