She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
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