My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
remember that party we went to sophomore year where we found that girl and had the orgy? Im totally at that house right now.
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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