So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
My recently uploaded pictures to facebook: Me partying on Beale St. with a single girl on each arm. Ex's recently upload pictures: Several pictures of cats. I win.
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
you asked "if this appropriate to take the the bathroom?" while holding up a bottle of vodka when you went to pee.
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
Randomize
