I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
it went kinda like vodka, childhood memories, screaming/cursing, fist fight, tears, broken shit, passing out. in that order. tis the season.
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
IF SOMEONE ASKS YOU IF YOU WANT THE GOOD DRUGS YOU SAY YES.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
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