I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
yo I sort of want to fuck rachel maddow. but I'm not a lesbian. actually I reaally want to so maybe I am a lesbian. at least on weekdays at 9.
y-o-u-r-e = you are, y-o-u-r = your. you are a bag of douche not your bag of douche. if you're going to insult me at least do it in proper english. that is all.
i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
Randomize
