Could guys at least pretend I require some amount of money to be spent before I randomly go down on them?
This girl in my class is wearing a sweatshirt that says "LEAD ME NOT INTO TEMPTATION" ahaha I almost just laughed out loud. We could never be friends
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
He spent 6 hours at the ER after crashing a motorcycle and still came to the bar, Ofcourse I went home with him. He's my hero.
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
Randomize
