capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
Rub youre cunt and tell me you love me.
Your incorrect use of you're doesn't arouse me in the slightest.
We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
KY in my mouth and throat does not a party make.
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Randomize
