i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
Both our collective sex appeal dies once someone cums on a snuggie kayla
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
Thanks for leaving me with drunk gabby
Hahahaha why what's happening?
She's sending me morse code through the wall....typical
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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