Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
no you cant smoke seaweed
The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
Amen.
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
I want her autograph on my taint
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
Yes... I'll kill two birds with one crazy ecstacy filled night.
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
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