Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
Randomize
