My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
He also needs to focus on not being such a little bitch, but that's none of my business.
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
Every time Brady gets sacked I cum a little...
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