my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but my underwear and it was on backwards and my entire body is too sore to move...
Im glad someone is finally more of a drunken slut than I am.
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
PRINCE HARRY WAS AT WAL MART SO NEXT TIME YOU BITCH ABOUT GOING TO WAL MART REMEMBER THAT EVEN PRINCE HARRY GOES TO WAL MART.
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
Getting sick, pulled the filter off a camel crush and rolled it into my joint to clear my sinuses. If there were stoner awards, I'd receive one.
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
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