Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
I just beat off to a cartoon porn video. what has my life come to
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
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