**** and his GF asked me to give his stuff back, and they would give me a 100. HA, they dont know I have it to charity haha
clay aiken is like melissa ehteridge without the guitar.
do u think i could put an abortion on my debit card?
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
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