So is chris hansen cool in person? Or is it just awkward while you wait for the cops?
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
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