I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
This freshman just ran out of her seat in a 200 person lecture, opened the emergency door and vommed everywhere. Then quietly went back to her seat. $2 Pitchers hit someone hard last night.
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
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