Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
ughh I puked about 4 times on metro, no one seems to like the cool design I made on my shirt
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
Are there any rules against fucking the hot TA?
Maybe for her....
Her problem, not mine
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
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