So i just found out i replied to my room mates craigslist ad. Akward
I'm listening to bach and watching porn,is that a sign of depression?
Quite the contrary. Sophistication.
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
Ill trade u your bra for a run to the liquor store...
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
Randomize
