i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
ohhh my god. this party should be titled "my hookups of summers past" be expecting some good stories tomorrow
Should I tell Kevin that my finger was in his sister's ass last night?
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
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