How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
Also I spent like 2 hours on the hubble/nasa website sunday night looking at pictures of outer space and cried my face off at how beautiful and complex it is. What's wrong with me?!
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I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
I dont know it just seems wrong to fuck her on my exes back porch
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
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Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
Are you going to regret this?
No I do t think so
Ok then he can enter the holy dorm temple.
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
Goat in kitchen.....explanation?....
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
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