FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
I am never drinking with the goths again.
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
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