i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
I remember doing shots of gin, then I have this strange memory of us making out in the womens room at waffle house.
I regret none of it.
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
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