There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
I am unable to type or say "unprotected, receptive anal sex" with a straight face. clearly, HIV was a poor research paper topic choice.
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
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