Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Randomize
