Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
Please explain to me why I only attract Mormon guys. Just explain that to me.
I think it's God trying to counter your lustful nature. Imagine if Agnostics liked you. You'd never come out of your bedroom.
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
he looks SO much like Drake, I feel like an extreme groupie every time we have sex.
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!
Randomize
