i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
New pre-game routine....wal-mart bathrooms...quality beers for free...hallelujah
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
Randomize
