This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
bad decision 37: pregaming the antique store
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I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
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Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
I thought since you asked to see my dick I might as well say hi
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
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