Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
Busta Rhymes just yelled at me! He cut a song off and I was clapping and he looked right at me and said "don't fucking clap." I was that white guy.
ever had your bank call you to verify the 4 seperate bar transactions from the night before? I have
The girl sitting next to me in class is writing her to-do list under the title 11/31.
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
i need some magic done to my vagina
Randomize
