I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
Randomize
