I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
he pointed at my clit and asked with a confused face, 'whats this thingy??"
"tonights gonna be a goodnight" was blasting at the club while i was screaming "NO ITS NOT" and crying. How do you think it went?
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
I think we need to dedicate ourselves to building your stamina back to uterus breaking level
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
Randomize
