just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
well, someone with very low standards is getting their dick sucked
I shouldn't have had sex with her. I feel that I may have opened a pandora's vagina
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
Randomize
